Let me begin by saying I am all for heartfelt entries about post-grad life, many of which you find on this very blog. What can I say? I love me some thoughts and feelings about life, love, Jesus, and all manner of existential conundrums. But you know what else I love? PRACTICAL TIPS! Tips on how to do taxes, tips on what kind of light bulbs to buy, tips on how to remove weird stains from various textiles!
Tomorrow I’m speaking on a short little panel about postgrad life, and that got my creative juices flowin’. What wisdom could I impart upon the next crop of GCC alumni? What TIPS could I throw their way? Well folks, my brainstorming session got the best of me and before I knew it I raced over here to my BLOG like the MILLENNIAL I am. So wihtout further ado, I present: 10 Tips for Post-Grad Life to LOL at but Then Actually Do.
Tip #1: Know and yield the power of a free lunch!
They say there is no such thing as a free lunch, but whoever THEY is…they lyin’!! Your boss says, “Lunch on me!” and you take a look over that lunch menu, baby girl, and MILK THAT MOMENT. Order the big lunch! Don’t be ashamed! Leftovers are your bank account’s BFF. DO NOT order the salad. DO order the fajita family platter.
Tip #2: Stop buying your morning coffee!
Do you wake up in the morning and put on clothes? Brush your teeth? Look in the mirror? Drive or ride to work and then stand in line for an overpriced, burned cup of java? STOP THAT! You are better than that. It takes like 2 minutes to make coffee. Don’t talk to me about french press or pour-over — suck up your pride and get yourself a Mr. Coffee coffeemaker and make yourself a FREE cup of coffee in your HOME that probably will taste just as good if not better than what you stood in line and paid a dumb amount of money for.
Tip #3: Get yourselves some gloves already!
Being an adult means having a pair of gloves that you wear in the winter. This is non-negotiable. Are your fingers cold? Well that’s probably because you don’t have a pair of gloves, you silly person. Go to the store and change that. Wear gloves! On your hands! They keep you warm!
Tip #4: Avoid pyramid schemes!
Just like submitting your taxes and being sad when your friends forget to text you back for months, an evitable part of post-grad adulthood is being recruited by someone you kind of know to join a pyramid scheme. When they ask you if you’re into that # side hustle life and then drop the phrase “passive income stream”…RUN! Close that Facebook Messenger app and APPARATE outta there like a character from freakin’ Harry Potter, y’all!
Tip #5: No, you can’t shop at Whole Foods!
Are you on a budget? That’s nice. That’s good. Guess what, though? Being on a budget means you have to make choices that sometimes don’t feel good. One of those choices is not shopping at Whole Foods even though you like it there and it makes you feel good and you’ve deceived yourself into thinking it’s actually affordable. You know what IS actually affordable? ALDI! Get yourself a reusable bag and a quarter you keep in that dusty cup holder of your car and head over to Aldi for deals and steals of a lifetime. They have organic, vegan, and gluten free food for a fraction of the price and once you’ve changed your Whole Foods ways, you’ll know what a wonderful thing I’ve told you.
Tip #6: No Ikea furniture assembly after 9 pm!
This is a curfew for the sake of your sanity. Do you like putting together complex puzzles in poorly lit rooms? Then disregard my advice. All others — just don’t even try. Wait til Saturday morning when you’re properly caffeinated and are not on the cusp of an existential crisis and spare yourself the tears, cursing, and weepy phone call you made to your mom that interrupts her enjoyable evening of watching Fixer Upper reruns on HGTV.
Tip #7: Buy toilet paper every time you go to the store!
Is this a dumb tip? Probably! But you know what else is dumb? When you run outta toilet paper but you don’t realize it until it is too late and then your day and your roommates day and TBH probably your undies day is RUINED. When you’re in the store, just remember this tip: See the TP, buy the TP.
Tip #8: Just tell the boy (or girl) you like them already, dangit!
Who are you kidding? We all know you liked that one boy during college but were too prideful to say anything and you definitely still like him so just write him an email or send a text or turn up on his birthday and SPILL THE BEANS, WHY DONTCHA?! You’ve got nothing to lose! Will he say no? Maybe! Will he tell his friends? Probably! But who cares! You don’t know his friends and they don’t know you and they probably are dumb anyways! Postgrad life is the perfect time to stop caring about the weird dating rules that college put in place for you and SHOOT UR SHOT! Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, so look at your fabulous self in the mirror and BE BOLD!
Tip #9: Dust your house!
You are an adult now, which means you have to dust your freakin’ house. You are not Miss Havisham! You are an adult who is paid a wage and there is dirt in your house and you need to remove it because if you do not, the day will come when your lease is up and you will already be stressed and your house will be GROSS because you did not DUST for months on end. Does this seem harsh? Unnecessary? Tell that to your mom who will be helping you move out of your apartment like the wonderful woman she is but meanwhile she is SAD because your apartment is GROSS which makes her doubt her parenting skills and sends her into a cycle of mom-shame. Avoid mom-shame! DUST!
Tip #10: Stop getting 7 books out at the library at once!
I’m not going to tell you that you can’t read 7 books at once, but I AM going to tell you that it’s silly and selfish to get so many books out of the library at once when we all KNOW you are going to keep renewing the same 7 books via the library’s online portal until the day you die. Just get ONE book at a time, and don’t feel like you HAVE to get all the books at once because you CAN. Someone else might really want that book you only got so that the person that is coming over to hang out will see that you checked it out of the library and hopefully be impressed because you *really* want to impress them.
Alrighty y’all. I am done screaming my 10 tips at you, and I leave you in peace to reflect on how crazy I am and how you definitely need to add toilet paper to your shopping list for this weekend. Let me know if I missed any important tips that will help others in their post grad journey!
Until next time,