Dear World,

I am pleased to nominate myself for the position of President for “The Awkward Club.” My primary reasons for nominating myself for this honor stem from my string of awkward moments that I experienced on March 19, 2014. I will recount those events in detail now for your pleasure and entertainment.

Let the awkward day begin: 

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I was having a conversation with my friend’s brother today, and referenced to how his sister thought me and her were soul mates because of our shared interests. Except I didn’t actually say that. I told him that “Your sister thinks we’re soul mates!” without any background or context, as if I was suggesting that me and him are soul mates. This my friends, is called “husband-zoning;” when instead of friend-zoning and keeping someone at arm’s length, you instead tell them you are going to get married. Yeah, I’m not the best with coherent conversations.  Fortunately, both of my friend and her brother thought this was funny. MY LIFE AIN’T OVER YET, FOLKS. 


On the morning of March 19, I was loaned car keys from my friend to borrow her car. Upon walking toward the parked car while talking to my dad on the phone, I panicked and realized there was no key on the key ring. I told my dad I would call him back and frantically searched the key ring, only to find the car key was one of those special keys that pops out from the remote control. I breathed a sigh of relief and realized I had the problem-solving and deduction skills of a grandmother.


I went the dollarstore to get some stuff for my friend’s birthday. While there, I wanted to get a pre-inflated balloon. However, instead of getting one balloon off of the post, I instead released all the balloons. THEY WENT A FLYIN’ Oops. Also while at the dollarstore, I kept dropping everything I had in my arms, usually when another customer was passing me.


While in the car, the balloon I bought kept coming in my face. To avoid this, I started blowing at the balloon and a man in truck definitely saw me trying to blow this balloon away from my face. He judged me.


I came back to return the car keys to my friend, but I realized I gave them back prematurely and locked all my things in her car and didn’t have the keys. She was in class before I realized that I needed the keys back to move the car to its proper parking spot and to get all my possessions. She took a “bathroom break” and came out and gave me the keys. I awkwardly jogged to the car, fearing a parking ticket, and also almost ran into an old man who was shuffling along the same path I was running on.


I was eating lunch and all the sudden realized that I had no control over my ability to swallow water, looked down at my shirt, and discovered a large wet spot. I drooled on myself, and man was it good.

Below is a picture about my life:

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Well friends, the light at the end of this tunnel is that tonight I get to have cake. It has been an awkward day so far, and I’ve only been up since 7 AM. What will the rest of the day hold?? Will I go into the boys bathroom? Will I hug a stranger? Will I trip? Will I try to peel a grapefruit?

I hope you all will recommend me to the board for this highly esteemed position of the President of The Awkward Club.

Signed, Your Honorable Comrade and Nominee

-The Cool Aunt